Dear Special Interest,

Congratulations on the purchase of your
"genuine" Government Official (TM).

With regular maintenance your Govern-
ment Official (TM) should provide you with a lifetime of
sweetheart deals, insider information, preferential
legislation, and other fine services.

Before you begin using your product,
we would appreciate it if you would take the time to fill out this
customer service card. This information will NOT be sold
to any other party, and will be used solely to aid us in better
fulfilling your future needs in political influence.

1. Which of our fine products did you
    buy?
* __ President
* __ Vice-President
* __ Senator
* __ Congressman
* __ Governor
* __ Cabinet Secretary - Commerce
* __ Cabinet Secretary - Other
* __ Other Elected Official (Please specify.)
__________________
* __ Other Appointed Official (Please specify.)
__________________

2. How did you hear about your Government
4. Official (TM)? (Please check all that apply.)
* __ TV ad
* __ Magazine/newspaper ad
* __ Shared jail cell with
* __ Former partner of
* __ Unindicted co-conspirator with
* __ Procured for
* __ Related to
* __ Recommended by lobbyist
* __ Recommended by organized crime figure
* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (on Internet)
* __ Frequently mentioned in conspiracy theories (elsewhere)
* __ Spoke at fundraiser at my temple
* __ Solicited bribe from me
* __ Attempted to seduce me

3. How do you expect to use your
4. Government Official (TM)?
4. (Please check all that apply.)
* __ Obtain lucrative government contracts
* __ Have my prejudices turned into law
* __ Obtain diplomatic concessions
* __ Obtain trade concessions
* __ Have embargo lifted from own nation/ally
* __ Have embargo imposed on enemy/rival
____  nation/religious infidels
* __ Obtain patronage job for self/spouse/mistress
* __ Forestall military action against self/allies
* __ Instigate military action against internal ____
____  enemies/aggressors/targets for future conquest
* __ Impede criminal/civil investigation of self/associates/spouse
* __ Obtain pardon for self/associates/spouse
* __ Inflict punitive legislation on class enemies/rivals/hated
____  ethnic groups
* __ Inflict punitive regulation on business ____
____  competitors/environmental exploiters/capitalist pigs

4. What factors influenced your
4. purchase? (Please check all that apply.)
* __ Performance of currently owned model
* __ Reputation
* __ Price
* __ Appearance
* __ Party affiliation
* __ Professed beliefs of Government Official (TM)
* __ Actual beliefs of Government Official (TM)
* __ Orders from boss/superior officer/foreign government
* __ Blackmail
* __ Celebrity endorsement

5. Is this product intended as a replacement for a
5. currently owned Government Official (TM)? ______

If you answered "yes," please indicate your reason(s)
for changing models.
* __ Excessive operating/maintenance costs.
* __ Needs have grown beyond capacity of current model.
* __ Defect in current model:
* __ Dead
* __ Senile
* __ Indicted
* __ Convicted
* __ Resigned in disgrace
* __ Switched parties/beliefs
* __ Outbribed by competing interest

Thank you for your valuable time.

Always remember:
in choosing a Government Official (TM)
you have chosen the "best" politician
money can buy.